I feel as if I have been away for weeks rather than ten days. It was a lovely holiday, chock full of warm family experiences and a good deal of red wine and whisky.
It was very hard to open the shop this morning. My heart really isn't in it. Even two paying customers hasn't helped much. There have also been the folk with requests: 'Will you order a book for me,' and 'What will I do if you close? Will you still order books for me?'
Sorry. No. I won't. I shall shut the door and pull up the drawbridge. That's what I want to do already.
The ongoing situation with my grandson has not improved and I can see now how much of my energy it's taking even though there are others to support my daughter and there isn't anything I can usefully do. The poodle-with-something-else owned by the Cornish pixies was helpful in removing much of my tension - massaging a dog is wonderful for getting rid of stress. I wanted to bring her home but her family love her too! It's not practical for me to have a dog and much too tying but very difficult to resist.
25 Nov 2008
15 Nov 2008
Beam me up Scottie.
Bring on the days of teleportation. I don't have to go to Nevada but Cornwall seems quite daunting enough today. The whole packing thing is a nightmare. What to take what to leave... if past experience is anything to go by whatever I take I will need what I have left behind. On that basis I may as well stuff the bags with anything and relax.
Sandy seems better. His father is momentarily co-operating and communicating. Won't last but a solicitor has been consulted and letters will be written about his harrassment of C and constant undermining of her parenting etc. etc. (I wrote a list 25 'misdemeanours' without pausing for breath and handed it to the solicitor so she has something to choose from.) C was taken into A&E with pains in her chest so was hors de combat for a while. The pains have been declared not serious but the result of long-term stress.
Sitting on the train with nothing to do and no-one to talk to will be some sort of holiday and if my daughter-in-law has milk brain by now we should be about on the same planet. Hopefully she'll not have post-natal depression or we might have to fill feeding bottles for ourselves with gin and weep our way through the nights sucking on them and on our thumbs whilst the toddler looks after the baby.
I'm in training for the broken nights anyway so that's a plus!
Sandy seems better. His father is momentarily co-operating and communicating. Won't last but a solicitor has been consulted and letters will be written about his harrassment of C and constant undermining of her parenting etc. etc. (I wrote a list 25 'misdemeanours' without pausing for breath and handed it to the solicitor so she has something to choose from.) C was taken into A&E with pains in her chest so was hors de combat for a while. The pains have been declared not serious but the result of long-term stress.
Sitting on the train with nothing to do and no-one to talk to will be some sort of holiday and if my daughter-in-law has milk brain by now we should be about on the same planet. Hopefully she'll not have post-natal depression or we might have to fill feeding bottles for ourselves with gin and weep our way through the nights sucking on them and on our thumbs whilst the toddler looks after the baby.
I'm in training for the broken nights anyway so that's a plus!
11 Nov 2008
Anti-stress options.
It was a sleepless night here so I spent most of it watching Black Books. which I learned from a bookdealer friend Dylan Moran researched by visiting actual secondhand bookshops and the occasional bookfair (he bought a book from a friend at one of the Edinburgh fairs so that's first hand information.) The whole set-up does have an air of authenticity about it, especially the proprietor's attitude toward customers. Very realistic. I don't have nearly enough of the ill-tempered, tobacco impregnated, drink sodden Moran charisma to cut it as an eccentric, hence the low profile of this shop no doubt.
Bill Bailey is definately one of my desert island dozen.
When I'm stressed or depressed I usually re-read Harry Potter and am now on the third book. It works well as a distraction but nothing is sending me to sleep so I have dark impressive rings under my eyes and a bad taste in my mouth - why does tiredness always seem to do that? The formidable A team are once more in formation, grandfather, grandmother, step-grandmother, mother and now mother's partner who is touchingly distressed by it all, not only for Chloë but very much for Sandy as well. Grandad has arranged an interview with the school for himself and Chloe late today, and, since communication between parents seems to be the immediate problem, I've even brought in the social work team which is a road I swore I would never travel. I'm waiting for the duty SW to get back to me, or to Chloe if they ring late enough. She seems heartened by the support.
Hanging around doing nothing is the worst.
Bill Bailey is definately one of my desert island dozen.
When I'm stressed or depressed I usually re-read Harry Potter and am now on the third book. It works well as a distraction but nothing is sending me to sleep so I have dark impressive rings under my eyes and a bad taste in my mouth - why does tiredness always seem to do that? The formidable A team are once more in formation, grandfather, grandmother, step-grandmother, mother and now mother's partner who is touchingly distressed by it all, not only for Chloë but very much for Sandy as well. Grandad has arranged an interview with the school for himself and Chloe late today, and, since communication between parents seems to be the immediate problem, I've even brought in the social work team which is a road I swore I would never travel. I'm waiting for the duty SW to get back to me, or to Chloe if they ring late enough. She seems heartened by the support.
Hanging around doing nothing is the worst.
10 Nov 2008
Worrying times again.
It's hard to keep any focus on the shop when number one grandson is being emotionally messed up and manipulated by his horrible father again. It's impossible for this child's mother to give him a stable, supportive, happy environment in which he can thrive when his father is systematically undermining everything she puts in place. If I thought he really loved his son I would have sympathy but I don't. He's using the child's unhappiness to spite my daughter for wanting to leave him. He's selfish and wicked.
The backdrop to the last eighteen months has been this horrible situation. It's human nature to try to make some sense of life and at the moment I am falling back on the karmic belief that we get the parents we need to give us the situations we need to face in a lifetime. Perhaps I also have something to learn from this as does his mother, and her father and so on... It's small comfort however when a ten year old is sobbing broken-heartedly because he has to make a choice between parents and it has come to this now - it's impossible for the situation to continue as it has been. He either has to abide by the choices his mother makes for him or live with his father who can be so sweet and reasonable when it suits him. Words are cheap and it's easy for dad to promise all the things his mother can't and rightly won't do like taking him out of school the moment he is miserable without trying to work out what the problem is first. This has now happened twice at two different schools. In ths man's books the teachers will always be to blame. Authority of any sort is anaethema to him but the idea that some form of self-discipline is needed in certain situations, or that talked through the trouble (the difficult maths homework for instance) might take on a less horrendous proportions, this is never considered. To barrell in shouting about everyone (behind their backs of course because the man is a coward when it comes to confrontation) is the only way he knows of dealing with any difficuluty. On the other hand once he has got his way and the child is living with him he he will shout and bluster at him when he loses patience, ignore him, get drunk in the evenings and kick things about, row with his new woman in front of the boy and so on. This man has two daughters who have no self-respect or self-worth so that all they have been able to see for their futures was, in the case of the youngest, to get pregnant at eighteen by a lad with an asbo (well now she can be on the social) or for the other a job in the Co-op up the road. They are intelligent, could have gone to University, but they have never been out of Scotland or done anything with their lives to be proud of or to look back on with a sense of fulfillment because they never thought they could and never saw the point of making an effort.
I don't for one moment think that achievement is everything but to do the best we can with what we have is vital - the motto at the school his grandfather has paid for is Plus Est En Vous and that is what we desperately wanted him to absorb to counteract this spineless attitude of low-expectations, the culture of blame in which everything outside oneself is seen as an excuse for failure. For an intelligent child the result of that attitude will be depression and deep emotional trouble in the future.
We still don't know what the outcome will be. I have parcels to pack and a daughter to support who is white with tension but carrying on with her work because she has to earn a living. I'm a bit-part actor in this drama and can make very little difference to the outcome. I'm left seething impotently and I have a headache.
The backdrop to the last eighteen months has been this horrible situation. It's human nature to try to make some sense of life and at the moment I am falling back on the karmic belief that we get the parents we need to give us the situations we need to face in a lifetime. Perhaps I also have something to learn from this as does his mother, and her father and so on... It's small comfort however when a ten year old is sobbing broken-heartedly because he has to make a choice between parents and it has come to this now - it's impossible for the situation to continue as it has been. He either has to abide by the choices his mother makes for him or live with his father who can be so sweet and reasonable when it suits him. Words are cheap and it's easy for dad to promise all the things his mother can't and rightly won't do like taking him out of school the moment he is miserable without trying to work out what the problem is first. This has now happened twice at two different schools. In ths man's books the teachers will always be to blame. Authority of any sort is anaethema to him but the idea that some form of self-discipline is needed in certain situations, or that talked through the trouble (the difficult maths homework for instance) might take on a less horrendous proportions, this is never considered. To barrell in shouting about everyone (behind their backs of course because the man is a coward when it comes to confrontation) is the only way he knows of dealing with any difficuluty. On the other hand once he has got his way and the child is living with him he he will shout and bluster at him when he loses patience, ignore him, get drunk in the evenings and kick things about, row with his new woman in front of the boy and so on. This man has two daughters who have no self-respect or self-worth so that all they have been able to see for their futures was, in the case of the youngest, to get pregnant at eighteen by a lad with an asbo (well now she can be on the social) or for the other a job in the Co-op up the road. They are intelligent, could have gone to University, but they have never been out of Scotland or done anything with their lives to be proud of or to look back on with a sense of fulfillment because they never thought they could and never saw the point of making an effort.
I don't for one moment think that achievement is everything but to do the best we can with what we have is vital - the motto at the school his grandfather has paid for is Plus Est En Vous and that is what we desperately wanted him to absorb to counteract this spineless attitude of low-expectations, the culture of blame in which everything outside oneself is seen as an excuse for failure. For an intelligent child the result of that attitude will be depression and deep emotional trouble in the future.
We still don't know what the outcome will be. I have parcels to pack and a daughter to support who is white with tension but carrying on with her work because she has to earn a living. I'm a bit-part actor in this drama and can make very little difference to the outcome. I'm left seething impotently and I have a headache.
6 Nov 2008
Quotes
I like quotes; always mean to collect them in a book somewhere but never do. Here's one I found yesterday that is making me think:
"Out of passion grow opinions; mental sloth lets these rigidify into convictions."
Neitzsche "Human, All too Human."
"Out of passion grow opinions; mental sloth lets these rigidify into convictions."
Neitzsche "Human, All too Human."
5 Nov 2008
Good result.
Well done America!
I feel light headed from lack of sleep. It was mesmerising listening to the same salient points being repeated over and over, the same explanations and details repeated, then suddenly another news flash and another and the building of tension from hardly daring to hope (remember, remember...when I was ready to cheer with relief for Al Gore) to hope, to euphoria, to watching the tears and the amazement. They'd done it! I'm sorry not to be an American today. (That's a first.) Still, it's enough to hear the comments of the French and German Presidents, even the Russian's cautious welcome and the dignified, inspiring speeches and to hope this might be the sign the USA has finally grown up, maybe even that world politics will change so we hear no more of the vicious back-biting of the power-hungry, just the intelligent thoughts and ideals of statesmen who want to make it a better place for us all.
I feel light headed from lack of sleep. It was mesmerising listening to the same salient points being repeated over and over, the same explanations and details repeated, then suddenly another news flash and another and the building of tension from hardly daring to hope (remember, remember...when I was ready to cheer with relief for Al Gore) to hope, to euphoria, to watching the tears and the amazement. They'd done it! I'm sorry not to be an American today. (That's a first.) Still, it's enough to hear the comments of the French and German Presidents, even the Russian's cautious welcome and the dignified, inspiring speeches and to hope this might be the sign the USA has finally grown up, maybe even that world politics will change so we hear no more of the vicious back-biting of the power-hungry, just the intelligent thoughts and ideals of statesmen who want to make it a better place for us all.
4 Nov 2008
The same thought...
... vis a vis assassination had occured to an American couple who were in this morning. They say the red-neck southerners are worried. We agreed that the best way not to get assassinated was to have a vice president who would make the would-be assassins even more nervous.
One of them remarked that it had been a mistake on someone's part not to take George Dubyew out, because that would have been a service to the world! I hadn't heard any Americans talk like that so it was refreshing really, though I wouldn't, in all honesty, want anyone assassinated.
They also said, jokingly, that they were staying out of the way long enough to give the coming revolution time to settle!!
They bought some books. Now that's worth recording too.
One of them remarked that it had been a mistake on someone's part not to take George Dubyew out, because that would have been a service to the world! I hadn't heard any Americans talk like that so it was refreshing really, though I wouldn't, in all honesty, want anyone assassinated.
They also said, jokingly, that they were staying out of the way long enough to give the coming revolution time to settle!!
They bought some books. Now that's worth recording too.
3 Nov 2008
US Elections
Three customers (and there haven't been many more than that!) have all made the same comment - 'fingers crossed for an Obama result.' It isn't just the fate of the US that hangs here - it's the world.
One said: 'Of course someone will probably assassinate him.'
Oh dear. The same thought had occured to me already.
One said: 'Of course someone will probably assassinate him.'
Oh dear. The same thought had occured to me already.
Good friends
My intrepid friends Crawford and Susan had their journey to Spain interrupted by a crash along the English motorway which wrote off their van. I wouldn’t have expected this to put them off their migration, and Susan’s own words: “we didn’t think any of that ‘we weren’t meant to go’ crap” were only what I would have expected of them. They really are the most positive, focused people I know, and again I have to say how much I miss knowing they are nearbye. They are totally accepting and supportive friends, whilst being uncompromisingly outspoken of their own perceptions. I can trust their judgement.
If I ever get on another plane again it will be to visit them and I look forward to them being within email contact again......
If I ever get on another plane again it will be to visit them and I look forward to them being within email contact again......
Breaking news... welcome Theo.
I just wrote ‘not much other news’ at the end of this posting when I heard that the third grandchild, Theo, arrived safely at 5am this morning. He missed his dad’s birthday by 5 hours, arrived at home and it was all very quick, which is great news.
No photos yet but I suppose that’s too much to hope for....
The original post was to have read:
It seems to have been a very busy week although I think that’s mainly been the steaming of puddings. It’s very demanding to have to remember to top up the water every half hour because I only have one pan that’s big enough. Four puddings took four days - six hours each day so the house has been like a sauna. Warm anyway. Which is more than it was outside. We had enough snow down here to make a small snowman, quite remarkable as the coast is less than four miles away and snow rarely settles at all these days. The pity was it didn’t last until Bonfire Night in the Park. It would have been the first time, in my memory anyway, that the grassy banks and the woods behind the fireworks were layered with snow. I thought that would be rather nice. I didn’t go - too much standing for my back - but heard it here. Very noisy. I hope all the pets were safely at home.
The snow did drive the customers in and trade is up. Nevertheless my mind focuses more and more on running down stock so that the folk who buy get a pleasant surprise with the prices. I don’t feel inclined to have sale signs yet though, maybe closer to Christmas I will. With Hallowe’en over that is unavoidably the next weigh station. Way station?
Not much other news. My coffee alarm wakes me at 5.30 each morning now, a slight improvement on the 5am of last week. It means I want to go to bed long before the (slightly) better programmes on TV.
The Woody Allen film ‘A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy’ cheered me up enormously yesterday. It doesn’t seem to have won any awards but it’s light and jolly and I really enjoyed it. Good heavens the man is now 73. What a life he’s had. He’s like Chaplin - always plays himself or the same Woody character but that’s fine by me. I want all of them.
No photos yet but I suppose that’s too much to hope for....
The original post was to have read:
It seems to have been a very busy week although I think that’s mainly been the steaming of puddings. It’s very demanding to have to remember to top up the water every half hour because I only have one pan that’s big enough. Four puddings took four days - six hours each day so the house has been like a sauna. Warm anyway. Which is more than it was outside. We had enough snow down here to make a small snowman, quite remarkable as the coast is less than four miles away and snow rarely settles at all these days. The pity was it didn’t last until Bonfire Night in the Park. It would have been the first time, in my memory anyway, that the grassy banks and the woods behind the fireworks were layered with snow. I thought that would be rather nice. I didn’t go - too much standing for my back - but heard it here. Very noisy. I hope all the pets were safely at home.
The snow did drive the customers in and trade is up. Nevertheless my mind focuses more and more on running down stock so that the folk who buy get a pleasant surprise with the prices. I don’t feel inclined to have sale signs yet though, maybe closer to Christmas I will. With Hallowe’en over that is unavoidably the next weigh station. Way station?
Not much other news. My coffee alarm wakes me at 5.30 each morning now, a slight improvement on the 5am of last week. It means I want to go to bed long before the (slightly) better programmes on TV.
The Woody Allen film ‘A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy’ cheered me up enormously yesterday. It doesn’t seem to have won any awards but it’s light and jolly and I really enjoyed it. Good heavens the man is now 73. What a life he’s had. He’s like Chaplin - always plays himself or the same Woody character but that’s fine by me. I want all of them.
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